May 1, 2013

With this last rain on Sunday, the grass has finally become fully green and most people have mowed at least twice by now, if not three or four times. The weeds of April and May make it a constant struggle to achieve that perfectly smooth lawn that makes evenings out on the porch such a pleasure.

I would love to make every weekly column I write about the pleasures of gardening, but unfortunately it seems I am better at appreciating a fine garden than actually creating one. For five years I have dreamed of a small 4×10 plot that would include enough food to feed me and the neighbors for the entire spring, summer and fall.

However, breaking up 40 square feet of grass, figuring out soil pH balance, making sure only one of those tiny seeds goes in each hole, and weeding and watering on a regular basis have all been a challenge. My ancestors would be disappointed in my inability to sprout a mess of peas.

I tried spot planting some tomatoes and squash. I planted the tomatoes the weekend prior to Good Friday, and no surprise, the cold killed them. I put the squash in a pile of pine mulch. Who knew they hate acidity! The leaves are yellow now, barely hanging on.

As a kid I imagined myself as someone who could live in the woods and hunt and fish and know which plants to eat to survive. But the true reality is that if I don’t live near a grocery store, I ain’t gon’ make it.

So…I won’t write about gardening every week, and speaking of things I won’t do…I promise not to make offensive jokes anymore as well.

. . . I humbly apologize to everyone for my column last week in which I wrote about dancing not being a sin. Obviously, there are many people of various faiths who believe dancing to be inappropriate. I have the utmost understanding and respect for that belief.

While I will always believe there is sublime beauty in dance, there are certainly movements of the human body that can be described as suggestive and vulgar.

In haste, I repeated a joke in order to make a point of just how much dancing is reviled. It was highly offensive, uncalled for and thoughtless.

For that I am truly sorry.